MATT'S LOVE STORY POV
by RBHDPSMMK4EVER
Summary: Matt Dillon, has been missing for over a month after trailing a murderer. He was badly injured and had amnesia. He is nursed by an attractive widow woman. His memory returns, he knows he has to return to Dodge. Kitty Russell waits in Dodge to hear news of the man she loves. This Fan Fiction explores their thoughts and feelings.
1. Chapter 1

POV: MATT'S LOVE STORY

_A wonderful and handsome man suggested I write POV's for Matt and Kitty about "Matt's Love Story". So, here are my ideas of how they were feeling and how it was resolved. I had wonderful help on this journey by a number of experts and I want to thank them for their input and agreeing to be characters in this fan fiction. I couldn't have done this without the help of my excellent BETA the Amazing Andrea. You made this a much more coherent and richer story. You are all the best._

CHAPTER ONE: THE LONG ROAD HOME

As I neared home, I slowed Buck's pace almost to a standstill. The left road, straight ahead, led to Dodge City, Kansas, my home for the last 20 years. The other road led up to Boot Hill our local cemetery. I turned my Buckskin to the right. As we climbed to the place where so many non-residents and some residents had found their final rest, I knew deep down I was avoiding the inevitable; going home.

I had not been home for over a month and you would think I would be anxious to get this very weary journey over and done. Yet what awaited me in the town, I could see in the distance, was so complicated. People I loved and cared for were there wondering whether my luck had run out for good this time and if I was ever coming back. When I had left chasing a suspected killer no one, myself included, would have believed this journey could have turned my world upside down.

For the last twenty years I served first as a Deputy Sheriff and then as United States Marshal for this Kansas territory. I made wonderful friendships and found a woman whom I love with all my heart. You would think this would make a man want, to hurry

to see these people, but as so often happened in my life it is not an easy journey.

It all began about a month ago when I started tracking the suspected murderer, Les Dean. The trail had twisted and turned until I found myself into the Arizona Territory. I was hot and tired, and it was difficult staying awake in the saddle at times. The last thing I remembered of that time trailing Dean was the red hot burning of the bullet from out of nowhere.

The next thing I remembered was opening my eyes in a nice warm cozy house. Once I could focus I saw an attractive blond moving around the room. When I spoke, she turned around, she smiled, and mentioned that I had finally surfaced. I was still groggy as to where I was and why. What was really disconcerting was when she asked my name, where I was from, and I couldn't remember. I can remember trying so hard to remember but everything was a blank. The last thing I remembered was getting shot.

She told me her name was Mike and I remember saying something like she was the most attractive Mike I had ever known. As I said she was attractive, had a nice smile, and I was grateful for her care. It was frightening to not know my name or anything else about my past, yet she seemed to, sort of, accept me for what she saw. She said she would call me Dan.

She wasn't a big woman and I was amazed when she explained how she got me to her home. I am a big man and few people could have accomplished such a feat although he said I was some help. I really had no idea how much time had passed, were I was, or why.

My health was her first priority at that time and once I could move around, I tried to help out around her ranch. She wasn't very happy at first, but we seemed to settle into a routine, and we got along fine. Then, as things can't remain static she approached me about what my future held, and I admitted I would like to stay around. Again, things changed, and Les Dean arrived at the door. Of course, he remembered me immediately.

That was also the night I slept with this woman named Mike. The next day Dean told her who I was. It was soon after she revealed my true identity, Matthew Dillon, United States Marshal, located in Dodge City, Kansas. It had to be such a difficult thing for her to admit when it seemed what might have been taken as a relationship beginning.

The past came rushing back when she called me Matt, although if I thought about it carefully there were small signs of returning memories. Then they would skitter away as fast as they came. It was certainly baffling. At the same time she revealed that Les Dean had been sent by her neighbor to kill her so he could get her land. At that time he also admitted to being the one who had shot me and left me for dead. It seemed the gunfighter had changed his mind and was giving back the money he had been paid for the murder. As my past rushed into my memory I went into Marshal mode and I was going to protect the woman who had saved me.

She tried to stop me, but I had to go and explained that Dodge had 20 years of my life and I had responsibilities. I did not talk about all the other memories that came back of a beautiful redhead, a crotchety doctor, a scruffy looking deputy, and all the rest. Yet, I had to make sure Mike would be safe. I told her I would come back and we would talk but she told me to get out.

Ultimately Dean was killed and the man who wanted Mike killed was defeated. Then there she was sitting on her horse next to Buck. I thought she changed her mind and we would talk it over, but that did not happen she rode away as I called her name. As I rode toward my home I berated myself for taking the easy way out and did not follow her. I told myself it was easier on her because I knew I would have to leave again. I had no idea what awaited me back in Dodge. Yet I had no idea what would have awaited me back at Mike's ranch.

I had been gone a long time and there was no communication with any town person during that time. There was a certain redhead who was not going to be happy, but most of all worried. I had faced the wrath of this woman in the past and it was not a pleasant experience. I hated the idea that I'd caused her so much anxiety and that I was likely to hurt her yet again. Doc would also have plenty of questions about my health and what happened, but what should I say? How much did I want to reveal?. I did have amnesia, that was true, but would it be believed? How much was really known about the condition? Would _I _be believed? How did I feel about what had happened? I certainly wasn't returning to Dodge, a hero and lots of explanations were going to be expected. My problem was while I might have my memory back, but I didn't have all the answers yet.

As I sat there on Boot Hill, I looked at the town I had seen grow tremendously. I had lived there most of my life, I had given it my life blood literally, and it was where the woman I had loved for so many years waited for news of me. I'm sure she was worried whether I was still alive, and I was apprehensive. They would have questions and would expect answers. That was the hardest part - what was the best way to respond for all concerned?

My thoughts whirled over and over with no resolution. Kitty, what would I say to Kitty? Would she know something was different about me? After all these years she could usually sense these things. Would she understand and be so glad to see me alive that nothing else mattered? What if she turned against me and could not forget or forgive? It was with a heavy heart I headed home and a fear of all that had happened while I was gone. I patted Buck and said, "time to go home boy and I hope we have a home to go home to, and an understanding woman waiting with her arms wide open."

It was almost as if my faithful horse understood just what we had gotten ourselves into and for a change he wasn't hurrying toward his home either. Mile by mile we headed toward a future that had never been more unsure.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO: FACING THE TRUTh

_Thanks so much to everyone who read and reviewed the beginning of this journey. I appreciate all your input more than you know. _

It was dusk when I finally reached the outskirts of town. There were lots of folks in town and I was hoping I could see Doc first and tell him at least part of my story. Wouldn't you know he was out at the Ronigers who had a new baby. It was number 18. I remembered telling Kitty they better figure how that happened. I had decided to go to Hank's stable the back way, but someone saw me and shouted, "the Marshal is back."

At that point there was nothing I could do but give in and greet everyone. Festus was trying to talk over everyone as they welcomed me back. I looked around but did not see Kitty. I wanted to ask but couldn't seem to get the words out.

Festus saw me looking around and said, "Iffin yer lookin' fer someone special she went outta the Ronigers with Doc ta see that new baby. Where ya been Matthew? We was ah frettin' about you."

I told him to let me get Buck down to Hank's but Newly took over and told me to just get to the jail and take the time to clean up and relax. I did look pretty scruffy not bothering with my shaving and such as I was heading home. I had too much on my mind to worry about how I looked.

Of course, I wasn't alone for long Newly and Festus came in to catch me up on all the local news. The town had been relatively quiet in the weeks I was gone. That told me Dodge was growing up into a more progressive city. I knew I should ask about Kitty and Doc but in the end my deputies told me everything.

Sitting behind my desk I saw the pile of papers that would need reports to the government. I had started shifting some responsibilities to both men, but I hated the paperwork and I was sure they wouldn't like it any better.

Newly, who is more reticent wanted to know if I caught Les Dean. I explained he was dead, and I had to trail him all the way out to the Arizona Territory.

Festus said no wonder I was gone so long. He added that Miss Kitty was sure somethin' had happened to me. He also asked why I didn't let them know where I was or when I was coming home. I wasn't even sure how to start the story. I made the excuse I would wait until Doc and Kitty got back and tell them all at the same time. Truthfully, I wasn't sure how to explain without giving something away.

I did get a reprieve when Doc and Kitty decided to spend the night with their friends, and I found I wouldn't have to say much more until later the next day. On my way home every time I closed my eyes I saw that crimson hair, blue eyes as bright as a Kansas sky, and milky white skin like the finest marble. There was no touch like hers, soothing, caring, and her lips could drive a man crazy. I was definitely in a quandary.

The nights on the ride from Arizona were the worst. If I could have driven myself and Buck faster I would have because I got little sleep. When I did fall asleep there were jumbled dreams. I saw Kitty on the ranch, Mike was a saloon girl in the Long Branch, and I couldn't get either of them to talk to me. I heard Mike calling me Matt and Kitty shouting for Dan. I would wake up sweating and confused.

My daytime hours were not any better. I wondered if I did the right thing in not going after Mike. What would I have told her? That I would be back? She would have expected a relationship I couldn't give her. How could I explain all this to Kitty? Would she believe I had amnesia? I could hardly believe it myself. I did not even know where to begin.

By the time Kitty came flying in the door of the jail I had cleaned up and gotten some rest. I was sure the only thing that stopped her from running into my arms was all the people in the office telling me how good it was to have me back. She stood and looked at me and as I looked back, I wondered if she could tell I had been with another woman.

Then I wondered if I was crazy what did I think there was some kind of imprint on my body? Did I walk different or talk different? I think all that worrying made me do exactly that. I felt like my lips were stiff when I said, "hello Kitty."

If she sensed anything it didn't show in her radiant smile. The people in the office were watching us to see what would happen next. Nothing was what happened, "nothing". In a way I was glad because I still had no idea what I would say or how I could avoid revealing my indiscretion. I had to decide what was fair to us and our relationship. In the end she told me it was good to have me back, rolled her eyes, and as she left said, "see you later Matt".

They had been our code words for years meaning 'let's get together alone as soon as possible'. Normally I couldn't wait to get her alone and now I was dragging my feet. This was not a good situation. I was trying to convince myself that not confessing to too much would be the best course unless I was asked directly. I had thought I would feel a sense of relief at that decision, but it didn't feel as good as I anticipated.

The next move was taken out of my hands. Festus and Doc came to get me for supper at Delmonico's and then planned to head over to the Long Branch. Of course, Doc took this opportunity to look me over and ask about my injuries. I knew he would have liked to do an exam so I promised I would be over in the morning to see him. The town was quiet and there was no good excuse not to go as that was what we usually did. Besides the Long Branch would be busy because the soldiers got paid that day.

Kitty was wearing one of my favorite dresses an emerald green gown with black lace at the top. She was laughing as she was surrounded by soldiers who were flirting with her. When she saw me I heard her say, "I have hired two new girls recently who I know love to have a good time. The tiny brunette is Sharon and she loves to dance. The tall redhead is Nadine and she has a wicked sense of fun. They are both girls who will keep you on your toes."

The tall good-looking Captain Scott said, "sorry boys I am pulling rank I get the redhead." His master sergeant spoke up too and said the brunette is mine.

They didn't wait for an answer as one hurried over to the long-legged beauty sitting at the piano. The redhead looked up at him and seemed to like what she saw. The brunette with the come-hither eyes took Sergeant Smith to a corner. I saw Kitty looking at me and raising her eyebrows. I just grinned at her and settled at a back table with Doc, Newly, and Festus.

When she brought over our beers, she handed them around and then settled next to me. Leaning toward me she mentioned, "I see you approve of my latest employees."

I told her, "I see that the soldiers do."

"They are a big hit," she agreed.

Doc asked, "have you had a chance to get any rest Matt?

I told him some, but I had a pile of reports to go through. It seemed like I was sure I wouldn't catch up in a month as more mail came in every day. I remember saying, "I hope somewhere in that pile is my paycheck. I haven't gotten paid in over a month."

He added, "It sure is good the fellow who saved you had a decent place for you to stay. Mike was his name wasn't it?"

Just then a fight broke out between a soldier and a cowboy over a girl. I jumped up just as they sailed a chair right into my face. Festus broke it up, Kitty ran for towels for my bloody face and Doc asked several of the men to help me to his office as blood flowed down my face.

An hour later there was eight stitches in my scalp and a puffy right black eye. Kitty who had a smile hovering on her lips said, "maybe you were safer in Arizona."

I wasn't feeling any too good and I scowled at her. I started to stand up and found I was dizzy. Doc looked at me funny. He ran his hand through my hair, and I winced when he hit the spot where Dean had bludgeoned me. I saw him open his mouth and close it.

Then he told Kitty, "I think I better keep him here overnight he might have a slight concussion." When she started to protest, he reminded her I had injuries in Arizona too.

I could tell she wasn't happy and reluctantly helped him get me to the back room. Once I was settled, she pulled up a chair and gently touched my face. The sad look on her face made me feel rather guilty that I wasn't more upset I wouldn't be spending the night in a different place.

Kitty said softly as she looked around to see what Doc was doing, "This isn't exactly as I anticipated our first night back together."

"I know," I told her. Suddenly I was so tired and wished I could go to sleep and wake up and everything would be back to normal. I should have known there will be no normal.

As I drifted off I heard Kitty saying to Doc she was concerned about me when I usually bounced back so quickly. Doc told her they knew very little about head injuries. All they could do was wait and see what happened.

When I awakened several hours later Doc was asleep in the chair next to me. As I moved trying to get comfortable, he opened his eyes and asked, "how are you feeling?"

"I have a sore head and face." I told him.

Looking over his glasses at he asked, "So do you want to tell me what really happened out in Arizona?"

My heart began to beat faster, but I tried to appear calm, "what do you mean?"

"When I touched your head in the back you nearly jumped out of your skin. He informed me.

"I told you when I was found I had extensive head injuries and I had amnesia. I didn't know who I was, where I was from, where I was, and why I was there. If I hadn't gotten such good care it might have taken longer to recover," I explained.

Sitting forward Doc asked, "since we know so little about amnesia can you tell me how you felt and how your memory came back? Was it gradual or all at once?

What a sense of relief I felt. So, I took a few moments to try and think over what it had been like to have no memory. I began by saying, "when I was first asked my name and I tried to have an answer I was so confused that nothing came to mind. Then I was asked where I was from and I had the same experience."

"Did you try to remember?" he asked.

"My mind was just blank. It was the strangest feeling and it was disorienting. I was puzzled because I knew people have names and come from places." I confessed.

Doc looked puzzled, "did they question you a lot?"

"There was only Mike so there weren't a lot of questions," I told Doc.

"So, there was no pressure or desire to help you remember?" he questioned.

All of a sudden it did seem strange. I answered, "no not really."

Next he asked something that made me uncomfortable, "why did Mike decide to call you Dan?"

"Well you see sha…ugh…I guess I don't know," I has almost slipped and said she.

Doc excused himself for a moment. When he came back he had two cups of coffee. After helping me sit up he informed me the front door was locked. "This way Kitty can't just walk in on us."

Taking a deep breath, I had the feeling the atmosphere had changed but I said nothing I just waited. I didn't have long to wait.

Settling down in the chair again he asked, "Would you like to tell me about Mike now?"

"What do you mean?" I thought I asked, innocently.

Of course, Doc took his time before he began. "Well, Mr. Marshall during your sleep you were thrashing around. You kept saying, "No Mike no. I can't tell Kitty. We can't do this. Kitty I'm sorry."

"It was just a nightmare, everyone has them." I explained.

"Funny," Doc said, "unless you have changed a lot Matt, I don't think you spent the night with a man named Mike. Do you want me to get more specific?"

He took my breath away I never thought about talking in my sleep, but I answered, "It could mean anything. Besides isn't there something about doctors not talking about their patient's condition?"

Doc got up and went to look out the window, "Matt you are right. What I hear stays right here but speaking as your friend and Kitty's what will you tell her?"

I know I shouldn't have gotten upset but without really thinking it through I said, "What makes you think I have anything to tell her?"

He looked at me in amazement. "you told me enough from talking in your sleep that I figured it out, what do you think will happen if Kitty hears you? How do you think you can avoid sleeping near her?"

"Why would you think I would be sleeping….."

He interrupted me by saying, "Forget it Matt everyone knows about you and the beautiful redhead. If you think you are a secret, then someone let the cat out of the bag a very long time ago."

I knew it but I always tried to tell myself we were being so subtle. It was hearing the words that shook me to the core. Finally, I told the medical man, "I didn't know what I was doing (then). I didn't know who I was."

"And what is it you plan to tell Kitty?" he wanted to know.

"What makes you think I am going to tell her anything?" I asked.

The older man looked at me like I was crazy. Then he said slowly, "And just what are you going to say when she finds out? Because she will find out somehow." and he walked out the door.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE: THE RECKONING

_I truly appreciate all the thoughtful and interesting reviews from so many of you. I hope you find this chapter answers more of your questions about what happens as Matt finds more excuses to not face Kitty with his indiscretion and get over his feelings of guilt. He has been bailed out so far but it won't last._

When I awakened I heard Kitty talking to Doc. She was asking if my injuries to my head the night before had created any more problems. She also mentioned that Festus had told her I had a bad night. Thankfully she didn't know that it had taken me a long time to get to sleep after my talk with Doc.

I knew he was right I had to talk frankly with Kitty, but I didn't know how to even begin the conversation. After all Arizona was a long way away, so what were the odds she would even meet Mike? There would be plenty of time to ease into that discussion. I wouldn't lie to her, but I felt like I needed to get back into a routine before we got into such a deep discussion.

Her footsteps headed toward the back room and I was pretending to just awaken. Her smile warmed my heart as she looked at me so tenderly. Sitting down in the chair next to mine I remember her asking softly, "how are you feeling this morning Cowboy?"

It seemed as if I tried to smile as I admitted I was feeling kind of stiff and sore.

She smiled at me and told me I had quite a black eye and it was pretty puffy.

I put my hand to my eye and immediately winced. She told me not to make it worse.

"what happened to my assailants?" I asked her.

"As far as I know Festus and Newly took them to the jail. Captain Scott took his Private back to the fort. The cowboy is still in jail," she explained.

At that point I tried to sit up and get out of bed. I had to sit down again as the room tilted a little. Kitty was up out of the chair sitting next to me in a second with her arm around me.

I looked into those sparkling blue eyes and suddenly was leaning down and kissing her. Her arm came up around my neck. Her lips were so sweet, and I realized how much I had missed that taste.

As she pressed against me the pain in my face made me pull back. There was a stunned look on her face. I reached for her hand and said, "it isn't you it was the soreness in my face."

She let out a long breath and relaxed a little, then began, "Matt I…."

"Ssshhh…." I told her taking her hands. "I know you wouldn't try to hurt me."

I thought it looked like tears were ready to fall but she swallowed hard. Getting up she told me to rest a little more. She would come back and see me later.

I felt a little guilty that I had acted sorer than I was, but I couldn't give into my feelings until I was sure what I was going to do and how I would tell her about my latest journey.

At this point sleep was the last thing I wanted to do but I wasn't ready to confront the problem of how to start this conversation with Kitty. I had the feeling no matter how I framed it she would be shocked and upset. I did realize the longer I put it off the more difficult it would be to explain my behavior.

Little did I know that forces I could not control would create circumstances that would delay any confrontation and when it did come it was nothing I could have even imagined.

Doc left sometime in the late afternoon to await the arrival of the fifth baby boy for the MacGregor family who lived about four miles out of town. He took Kitty with him as she had become the only nurse he had available.

Sometime that evening after a visit from Newly and Festus, who let me know they let the cowboy loose since I wasn't pressing charges, I fell asleep again. It was to the sound of the fire bell that I awoke suddenly. Without thinking I climbed into my clothes and headed for the crowd around MacGregor's feed and grain.

A stiff wind was whipping around us that made the conditions ripe for more wooden buildings to go up in flames. The stables were next door and men were busy getting the horses out after wrapping cloths around their eyes. Burke, who ran the freight office, had left to get John Macgregor.

After what seemed like hours, the fire was out, and we could survey the damage. The grain store was completed destroyed, part of the stables was damaged and there was also damage to the roof and one wall of the saddlery shop. So much destruction among those embers

I looked at Newly, Festus, Burke, Sam, and Louie and we were all filthy. Doc who had come back to town with John MacGregor, having left Kitty with his wife and newest son, was tending to any injured workers. We were told Delmonico's was open and had food and coffee waiting for everyone. I was so dirty I hated to go in, but I sure could use a cup of coffee.

We were all exhausted and little by little men drifted off home after agreeing to meet once the fire had cooled enough to see about rebuilding the damaged buildings. Just as Doc wandered in my deputies were on their way to get cleaned up. He told me I looked awful and I was sure I did. He also informed me Hank took John home and was bringing Kitty back to Dodge. Then he suggested maybe she had a place I could get cleaned up.

I gave him a dirty look and headed for my office. Once I got there, I tried washing off the dirt and soot. I wasn't doing a very good job and knew I needed a good bath but there were a whole lot of people ahead of me. It was at this point that Kitty walked through the door looking as tired as I felt.

"You look awful," she told me. Then she took my hand and led me toward the back door explaining Sam was getting her bathtub ready for her. She would take a quick bath as I was too dirty for us to bathe together. I would have protested but I knew she wasn't taking no for an answer and why would I object given our relationship.

As we climbed the back stairs in broad daylight, she squeezed my hand and told me she missed me. I could truthfully tell her I had missed her also. True to her word she hurried through her toilette and soon I was sliding into the still hot water and feeling my sore muscles relaxing.

Wrapped in her pink silk robe she leaned against the door looking at me as I turned the clear water a darkish brown. She grinned at me and told me once again, "you clean up very well marshal."

I had to grin at her as her flame colored curls touched her shoulders. She was one beautiful woman with her cornflower blue eyes and alabaster skin. Then she turned and looking over her shoulder said she would be waiting for me in the bedroom.

When I got to our bed she was wearing a new nightgown that was barely there. it brought memories of wisps of cloth I had helped her remove on other occasions. I could see she was half-asleep as I slipped in beside her. She looked up at me with love and trust in her eyes and I immediately felt nervous and guilty. How could I cheat on this caring loving woman?

As I hesitated, she held out a hand to me and there was no way I could turn away from this lady-love of my life. I lay down beside her and gathered her in my arms. I began by kissing her hair that now smelled of lavender. My hands moved instinctively – over her velvet-soft skin refamiliarizing me with its charms. My eyes closed all by themselves and then I was soon sleeping with Kitty in my arms as close as I could hold her.

I awakened to velvety lips kissing my jaw. I looked up at a beautiful female grinning at me. The sun was high in the sky. She said, "I guess we were both pretty tired Cowboy."

As I smoothed her blazing red hair back from her face, I leaned down and kissed her nose. I said something like we had a pretty rough couple of days, and she agreed. My eye had turned an awful color of brownish yellow and she touched it tenderly. All her concern was for how I was feeling. That made me feel even worse that I hadn't yet explained everything to her

Once I reassured her I was feeling better, just a little sore, she began kissing me. I wrapped my arms around the body that was so familiar to my touch. Her lips tasted a little salty and I wondered if she had been crying. When I asked if she was alright she said she was just so happy to be back in our bed together.

This incredible woman didn't deserve to be treated badly in any way, but just how did I begin this conversation? Something was wrong, I should be concentrating on the woman in my arms and yet I couldn't seem to get the guilt I felt over my encounter with Mike out of my mind. She was touching me in all those intimate places, and something was very very wrong. My body was not responding.

I pulled her in as close as I could and ran my hands down to her full heaving breasts and still no reaction. Kitty was pressed against me and moving gently against me but still nothing. I began to panic, What was wrong with me? I don't mean to brag, but this had never happened even in my very first youthful encounters. If she was aware something was wrong she didn't seem to be concerned. What should I do now?

When I moaned she was immediately worried. When she asked if it was my head again, like a coward I took the opportunity to lie that I felt dizzy. Before I could say another word she was up and throwing on clothes saying she was going for Doc. I tried to stop her, but she was adamant.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR: AN EMBARRASSING SITUATION

_A SHORT CHAPTER THIS TIME. THINK OF IT AS A SEGUE TO WHAT HAPPENS NEXT._

When Kitty makes up her mind to something there is no stopping her. She threw on some clothes and was out the door. I suddenly realized I was naked in her bed and Doc would soon be on his way. Of course, he knew about our relationship, but I wasn't prepared to have him find me in this condition. Hoping I still had some clothes here in her room I climbed out of the bed.

There was an old wrinkled union suit but at least it was clean. I had just finished putting it on and laying back down when I heard him coming up the backstairs. Instead of getting back into bed I sat down in a chair. I didn't like the look on Doc's face as he came through the door.

His voice was stern as he asked, "what's this Kitty is telling about you being dizzy and in pain."

I hoped he would believe me when I told him I wasn't sure what had happened. There was no way I was telling the good doctor what had happened, or what had not happened, and certainly not in front of Kitty.

Crossing to the chair the doctor ran his hands over my head pressing here and there. I did wince a little at one spot that was still sore. Of course, that was from the incident in the Long Branch. It was no surprise the old saw bones was complaining that I was trying to do too much too soon; as usual. His advice was that I needed to spend another night at his office.

I knew Kitty was not happy about that proclamation, but she had been the one to go for the physician. For my part he had saved me from a very humiliating incident. Looking in my eyes he hesitated and the look he gave me made me realize he wasn't buying my excuses. His suggestion was either I go back to bed and rest with no other activity, go back to the jail letting my deputies take over my duties, or back to his office.

How was I going to get out of the bedroom without upsetting Kitty any more than she already was at this time? As I looked at her, I could see the concern on her face. Slowly she suggested that maybe I could rest better at my office. Although she did mention that once I was there it would be difficult for me to not get involved in anything that was happening.

Doc saved me again as he promised her that he would walk me back to the jail and make sure I was resting. There were few words exchanged while I was slowly dressing. I wanted to apologize to Kitty, but she would have no idea what I was talking about. I was then hurried back to my office and I knew I would be hearing some harsh words from the doctor. If I could have, I would have dragged my feet.

I was never so glad to see Festus sitting in the office. He jumped up as I came through the door wanting to know if I was alright. Doc tried his best to get him to leave but as usual it ended in them grousing at each other. Finally, it was the doctor who gave in and told Festus to make sure I rested. As I settled in my chair Festus told me I better lie down. All I wanted was to pace the office.

It became evident that I would have to pretend to rest if I was going to get rid of Festus. So, I lay down and told him to keep a check on the town for me since Newly was out of town for the day. I could see he was reluctant to go and leave me alone, but he was torn by his curiosity of what was going on in Dodge. I must have been tired though because some time had definitely passed when I next opened my eyes.

I sat up on the side of the cot and ran my fingers through my hair. What I was going to do next was the big question. My stomach rumbled and I realized I had not eaten at all that day. Getting up I tried to decide if I should look for Festus, Doc, or Kitty to go to dinner with me. None of my choices were particularly appealing for different reasons.

As I stood on the boardwalk, I saw Kitty walking toward Delmonico's with Doc and Festus. I figured I couldn't get into too much trouble with all of them in one place. They seemed surprised to see me, but I explained that I had slept and felt much better. Kitty immediately started talking about the dance at the fort that week-end. She was looking right at me.

It seemed like a good idea to ask her if she would go with me. She was delighted, and also let Doc and Festus know she would give them a dance if they accompanied us. Bless Doc he told us if I was going to the dance I would need to rest up as I didn't want another relapse. That changed the topic of conversation, but I was no longer worried about how I could avoid Kitty in the next few days. I didn't want a repeat of the incident that occurred last .

When I saw the concern on Kitty's face it certainly added to the guilt I was already feeling. Doc cleared his throat and I got his message loud and clear. It was evident I was in a no-win situation. I had faced down many a desperate man yet one small redhead had me almost on my knees.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE: A MOMENT OF TRUTH

_The reviews have been great. Knowing that people are reading and enjoying your stories makes all the difference in keeping all of us going. This chapter will change a lot of things for Matt and Kitty and they face unpleasant truths._

The night of the dance I made sure I had a new white shirt, my tie looked perfect, and my courting jacket was pressed and clean. When Kitty walked down the Long Branch stairs in a golden looking dress I had never seen before I felt a stirring and almost suggested we stay right there. Knowing how much she was looking forward to the dance I kept my thoughts to myself.

"You look very pretty tonight Kitty," She smiled at me and slipped her arm through mine and leaned against my arm.

Doc was waiting out in a surrey that had been left here years before. We got into the back seat and headed off to Fort Dodge with my arm around this beautiful woman and her head was on my shoulder. I inhaled her perfume and wondered how I could ever have forgotten HER? Our favorite medic just ignored us but there was a smile playing at the corners of his mouth.

Other townspeople had gotten there before us and the Fort's mess hall was bright with lights and the musicians were tuning up. It was good to see Sam and Rudy with the other players. The Long Branch girls who set it up, Sharon and Nadine were already claimed by the soldiers who had taken such a shine to them. Other girls they had persuaded to come were also surrounded by troopers.

We found our seats and I left to get us some refreshments. Unlike Kitty I am not much of a dancer, but I knew I would have to participate in a few to satisfy Kitty. Doc already had her on the dance floor when I came back so I could relax for a few minutes.

Of course, the next song was a slow number and while I wanted to hold her as close to me as I could I decided it was better not to flaunt our relationship in front of the whole town and Fort Dodge. I did notice quite a few of the soldiers were watching us or I should say Kitty. I might not want to do a lot of dancing, but I certainly was not giving her over to a bunch of eager soldiers.

It was after a particularly energetic square dance with Festus that something dramatically changed. I saw her go to the water closet and suspected it was too cool off as her face was flushed from the dance. I was standing over to the side talking to the Commandant and his wife. I saw her come back to the table and the dancing began again. A few minutes later I went looking for her but could not find her anywhere and neither was Doc to be found.

I went outside thinking maybe she was warmer than I thought but they were not out there. I went back in and looked all over. Then I went up to the Long Branch girls and they told me they thought she was still there, but WHERE? Festus last saw her talking to Doc. Finally, after being stopped half a dozen times I went back outside and asked the guards if they had seen Kitty Russell and Doctor Adams. One of them said they thought they had left in Doc's buggy about half an hour before.

Now I needed to figure out how I would get back to town. I went to the Commandant and explained an emergency had come up and I needed to borrow a horse as I had come in Doc Adams' carriage. He told me he would have one of the Sergeant's get a horse prepared for me. I knew by the time I was heading out of the fort Doc and Kitty were probably back in Dodge. It was important I talk to the doctor first to find out what had happened.

When I rode into town I could see the Long Branch was all dark. There was still a light on at Doc's and I hitched up the horse and hurried up his steps. He must have heard me coming because he met me at the door. Looking at his face I knew immediately something was wrong. Maybe she had gone to the water closet because she got ill, but why not tell me? Riding back I racked my brain for a reason she would have had to disappeared so suddenly.

Trying to appear calm the first thing I did was confront Doc. I just said to him, 'Well?'

He told me, 'she knows about Mike.'

"How?" I asked, totally dumbfounded. All he knew is she overheard something at the fort.

He had pleaded with her to stay with him, but she insisted she needed to be alone. He also reminded me how he had warned me to tell her the whole story. I didn't need to be reminded. I was now sure she would make any discussion difficult, if not impossible. Now I could not put it off if I ever wanted our relationship to be normal again.

I thanked him and headed for the back steps of the saloon. That was the way I generally got to Kitty's room. I had a key she had given me years before, but my plan was to knock on the door and see if she answered. She would know who was at the door. I knocked several times to no avail before I put the key in the lock and turned it.

The door opened maybe an inch or less because something was in front of it. I called her name, but there was no answer. I asked her to let me in, but still there was silence. I warned her if she didn't let me in, I would kick whatever was in the way over. When nothing happened, I started kicking the door over and over. As the door opened inch by inch. I got more and more frustrated

When the dresser fell over I stepped over it and there was my redhead standing in the doorway to the bedroom with her hands on her hips asking in a shaky voice "what do you want marshal?"

I asked her to let me talk to her, but she turned her back on me. I said I wanted to explain only to be told it was rather late for explanations. All I wanted was the chance to explain. I was really upset when she told me the only reason, she could think of that I hadn't mentioned that Mike was a widow woman, was that I was sleeping with her.

Stupidly, I said I had amnesia then, and I didn't know who I was.

Of course, she came back with does anyone really know about amnesia and it was obvious she had been talking to Doc. Then when I tried to touch her shoulder, she shook off my hand. Now I wasn't sure what approach to take so I waited to see what she would do next.

Her voice broke as she said she needed some time to think things over. Oh no if she was crying, I was in big trouble. I always seemed to stumble all over myself when women started to cry and especially Kitty, who rarely cried. I started moving away and told her, "I'll see you later tomorrow and maybe we can spend some time together and talk." She just nodded her head and that at least gave me some hope.

Sleep did not come easily, and it was daybreak when I finally fell into a restless sleep. I think an hour later Festus came clomping into the jail singing one of his crazy songs. He stopped abruptly when he saw me lying in the cot. He asked if I was alright. I'm sure he was surprised that I was in the jail. He said he would be quiet, but I knew there was little chance of that. I would have to face the music and Kitty today, there was no turning back. Now if my redhead would just be reasonable.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX: SECOND CHANCES

She asked me to give her time. I really wanted it settled but I had to allow her to take the lead in this situation. I made one mistake after another and I couldn't afford any more. I decided to wait until late morning and go to the Long Branch and try to talk to her. That didn't work however as Doc joined me at breakfast and told me that he had been to see Kitty and she wasn't feeling well. She would not be seeing anyone that day.

I was very concerned if she was feeling so badly she wouldn't even come downstairs. Then I began to wonder if this was a ploy between the two of them to keep me away. I knew Doc loved Kitty like the daughter he never had. He would do anything to protect her from harm and he wasn't very happy with me at this time. I thought about going to the Long Branch and talking to Sam but that might not be such a good idea if she thought I was checking up on her. When Festus later mentioned that Kitty wasn't downstairs, I thought maybe she really was ill.

All that day I wandered around as a man in a daze. I would walk past the saloon and look in to see if maybe she had felt better and was working. That all came to nothing. When Festus and Newly and I were at supper two of the girls came in, Sharon and Nadine. They were with Captain Scott and Sergeant Smith. They stopped at our table and told us they were getting married and moving to San Francisco.

I mentioned they would be missed, and Miss Kitty would be sad to see them go. They told us they had told her and felt bad because she wasn't feeling well. They said Kitty wished them well and so did we. They were lucky to find such nice men to marry. I realized then it was probably my own guilty conscience making me wonder if Kitty was avoiding me. I couldn't wait for the next day hoping she would healthy enough to see me.

Sometimes you have to wonder if you should be careful what you wish for. When I went through the batwing doors the next day Sam informed me Miss Kitty was better and back in her office. I thanked him and headed toward the back room hoping things had cooled off. Boy was I in for a surprise.

I heard excited women's voices as I came to the door. As I started to knock the door opened and the girls rushed out. Kitty just looked at me and didn't say a word. That made me feel even more awkward. Finally, I began by saying Sam had said she was feeling better but there was no reaction, so I stumbled slightly as I told her we needed to talk. The look on her face told me I had said the wrong thing and she informed me in no uncertain terms that I had not been so eager to talk before. I tried to explain I didn't know how to start or what to say but I could almost feel the icy chill in her voice. She reminded me, I always knew what to say when I wanted _something else._

Then she went on to inform me that as I had been gone so long with no word if I was alive or dead I could have at least have sent a telegram I was alive and on my way back to Dodge.

It was not going to go over well, under these circumstances. She was not going to buy that since I didn't know how to explain what had happened I did nothing. I knew she was right, but I had the feeling anything I said was not going to be a good enough excuse. So, I just stood there.

Sarcasm dripped from her words as she asked, "You couldn't have sent work to anyone? You didn't think someone might be concerned for your welfare? EvenI'm alive and on my way home even if you are a man of few words?"

It took a minute or so, but I soon realized that perhaps I hadn't started our little talk in the right way. I had spent the last couple days trying to figure out how to approach her and she was absolutely correct as a man who doesn't talk easily about emotions, I wanted to make this as easy as possible. I had a hard time looking at her because I should have at least let them know I was on my way home.

She told me that in no uncertain terms my behaviorit wasn't good enough. Any wordsThen she said exactly what I was thinking, I'm alive and on my way home. It would have alleviated all the worrying she was doing.

When I still said nothing it seemed to make her madder. She got up out of her chair and walked past me and pointedly asked if I had such trouble talking to Mike?

Then I really did the wrong thing when I brushed off that comment and tried to explain it was a different situation. I knew I was in deeper trouble when she said derisivelyacid, "I just bet it was." She headed for the saloon and then up the stairs. I followed to the stairway and halfway up she turned and told me, "don't follow me we have nothing to discuss Marshal!"

I lost my cool and yelled, "you are the most STUBBORN WOMAN!"

Then I could see her bright blue eyes flashing and her face was flushed as she yelled, "Maybe you should go back to Arizona then!" The poker players dropped their cards, Sam rattled glasses, and I knew if I answered I would be sorry for a long long time. There was dead silence behind me as I slammed the batwing doors against the door frame.

I am sure I was in an awful mood although I tried to act like everything was normal. I had not seen Festus and Newly much as they were avoiding me too. Doc had stopped in, but he would walk out shaking his head as I took my misery out on him. No one said a word about Kitty. I took long lonely rides on Buck and tried to figure out what should be my next move. Actually, in the end it was our good doctor who turned the tide. He came to the jail for a confrontation and said he couldn't stand both of us looking and acting so miserable. He told me he could tell I wasn't eating or sleeping well either. Then he said the words that showed what I needed to do next. He asked, "isn't it better to know how Kitty really feels than not to know?"

It was sure hard to admit he was right, but I couldn't keep being so miserable and forcing those who I cared about, to avoid me everywhere. I told him I wasn't sure she would talk to me now, but he reassured me by saying he thought she was also at the point where she wanted to clear the air.

I told him I didn't want to participate in another shouting match, and he informed me he knew all about that situation, in fact the whole town knew. He indicated Kitty was feeling as bad as I was so I agreed, reluctantly, but wanted to find a private place to talk. He informed me we could use his office. The Ronigers new baby was sick and it would be empty for quite a while so he would set it up with Kitty.

While I waited for Doc to leave town, I got cleaned up, I needed to make as good an impression as I could. It was about an hour later when Doc stopped by and said it was all set. I watched him and with a heavy heart headed for his office. This might be my last best chance to win her back.

The light was on and I walked slowly up the steps. I opened the door, and she sat there in the beautiful green silk I had admired, with her hair down. I loved running my hands through those long silken curls. All I seemed to be able to do was clear my throat at first and I guess she thought I expected her to talk first. She turned to face me and pulled out the angel's wings I had given her months before, and asked if I even had mine? I slowly pulled them out of my pocket.

"They were in my saddlebags and I slept with them every night on the way home," I confessed.

At least that made her smile slightly. She told me we needed to have an open honest discussion about this situation because if it wasn't it would come back to haunt us. I shouldn't have been surprised that our thoughts were the same, but I wasn't. Kitty and I had to face different trials and circumstances over the years, but nothing like this. Could we move past this indiscretion or was there no hope for us?

I wasn't not comfortable sharing deep emotions; it had always scared me. However, we either talked things out honestly or there was no hope for things to begin to heal. It was important to communicate how we were feeing, and what we wanted to help us move forward. I felt nauseous when she asked me if I had fallen in love with Mike. I was surprised Kitty would ask that right away.

I fiddled with my hat, looked at the floor. and finally sat down across from her. I crossed my leg so it rested on my knee and leaned forward. As I was thinking about what to say she watched me like a cat at a mouse hole. Finally, l told her, there was a physical need, I had affection for Mike, I was so grateful she had saved my life. She, and she accepted me even not knowing who I was, but no, I was not in love with her.

Kitty gave a deep sigh of relief and indicated that made her feel relieved. There seemed to actually be a sparkle back in her eyes and a smile playing at the corners of her lips.

"Mike didn't give me a chance to explain when I said I had to go back to Dodge.. She just told me to get out when I said I had 20 years of my life thereto go back to Dodge." I paused and looked intently at Kitty and then I reminded her we had both had bad relationships in our past that seemed like love that didn't last. I also smiled at the memory when I added that although our relationship had been mainly lust- in the beginning it had grown deeper and deeper over the years.

I made her admit that we had broken down walls for each other that no one else wanted to do. Things which would allow us to be vulnerable. She knew that was true because she had told me that no one else knew as much about her life as I did. I had done the same. We were two people who had little trust in relationships when we met.

She asked me the question that had been plaguing me for days, why hadn't I told her the truth when I first came home. I admitted I had worried all the way home that I had betrayed her. I was afraid if I didn't have the right answers for any questions she might have for me, that she wouldn't believe my story. So instead I blundered my way through everything and did exactly what I hoped to avoid.

My redhead looked confused and I was afraid I had already lost her. As a last resort I begged her to let me tell my story and it might help her to understand why I was so confused. I remembered Doc telling it me it was better to know what would happen than to never know. At least then we could make an intelligent decision about our relationship.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN: CONFESSIONS OF THE SOUL

_So, this ends Matt's Point of View about his amnesia, subsequent relationship with another woman, and_ _his relationship with Kitty. Next you will get to read, in this same story, my version of what Kitty was feeling during this perilous time in her relationship with the marshal. _

I had to take this chance to describe what I went through and how I felt having amnesia. Luckily, she was willing to listen and told me to explain. I wanted to take her in my arms, but I was afraid to touch her at this point. I just looked at her and began to tell of my long arduous journey.

"It took me into Arizona territory, and it was there the man I was trailing shot and then beat me. I awakened, in a strange house with an unknown woman. She had removed the bullet and treated my wounds. Then she asked for my name and where I was from. I had that awful feeling of not having an answer, my mind was blank," I told Kitty, "I thought and thought but there was nothing, no memory. She decided to call me Dan, and said her name was Mike."

"She was a widow and did most of the work herself on her ranch. When I was better I started to help out and we fell into a routine. After all I had no past and no future, but it was just a holding pattern with the hope of my memory returning. Finally, after several weeks she asked what my plans were, and I had none. What would I do, where would I go? She offered me a place to be and like a man in a mist I accepted."

"I had begun to feel more comfortable and since I really couldn't plan ahead. I told her I would stay there. That was the night we slept together. It was the next day the man I had been following showed up at the ranch. I didn't recognize him. It turned out a man who wanted Mike's property had sent him to kill her. He had decided not to do it and told her he was the man who shot me and gave her my real name."

"Once she revealed that information my memory came rushing back and I knew I had to return to Dodge. I told her 20 years of my life was there. I told her I was going to see the man who wanted her dead and I would come back to talk to her, but she threw me out. I had to make sure she would be safe after all she had done for me. The last time I saw her, she was riding away. I headed back to Dodge. Every mile closer I came to home the more I wondered how I could make everyone, but most of all you, understand what had happened."

Then I told Kitty how I stopped at Boot Hill to think but knew how I couldn't stay there forever. Yet I couldn't shake the feeling I had cheated on her. I did admit that I had talked to Doc about it, after I talked in my sleep. He had advised it was best to tell you immediately "I was still afraid, foolishly, of how you would react and if I could be sure you would truly believe I had amnesia," I said hoping she would understand.

I sincerely hoped my story sounded logical and I was baring my soul. It was not something I was typically comfortable doing but this, our life together, was worth whatever I had to do to repair things. This wonderful woman never said she doubted I had amnesia which was a relief. She did make it clear how important it was that she be honest with me and that I understand how this situation made her feel. When she hesitated, I asked if she had any questions?

She told me maybe, but she needed to make me understand why she was so upset. She admitted how she had heard about Mike Yarder. "Matt, it is so important that you understand how crushed and betrayed I felt. Then she was afraid that I hadn't said anything because I had fallen in love with that woman. That I was going back to Arizona or bringing her to Dodge.

I looked at her and said, "I didn't even know who I was how could I know what my feelings were? I knew I could do physical work but everything else was a blank. How could I make any plans when I didn't know where to go and it was safe at Mike's?"

That was another point she wanted me to understand. Kitty was jealous of the homelife I had with Mike and that we had never been able to have. This is what she had dreamed of for us in the future when I took off the badge. She asked if I thought about having a family with Mike? Was she just a convenience because she lived here in Dodge? Did I really understand she had put aside her dreams of a future for us so many times?

She emphasized that old resentments had come creeping into her thoughts. I had with this woman what she had hoped for us and I seemed to like it,and I was willing to stay. Kitty told me she was afraid that even if I was back in Dodge with her my thoughts might go back to what have might have been with Mike Yarder.

Her voice was choked as she said to me, "I have never given as much of myself to anyone as I have given to you. Dan didn't seem like the Matthew Dillon I knew and loved."

I tried to speak but she stopped me. She went on, "Matt when I heard that soldier talk about Mike how he wished he could be nursed by her and how attractive she was I was shattered to little pieces. I thought nothing could put me back together again."

She went on, "What if she decides to come here? What then?"

It took me a few minutes to answer and I could tell she was getting nervous as she bit her lip. I finally said, "Kitty we didn't fall in love immediately. Why would I fall in love with another woman so quickly?"

"But you had amnesia, you didn't know anything about yourself. I need to know if you are harboring any feelings you don't realize you have for this woman? Do you feel you need to see Mike again?"

Then I explained that I did know about physical need. I don't know if such basic feelings stay the same under such circumstances. I just know how I felt at that time. "I felt gratitude, of acceptance, and what seemed like , at the time, a lifeline."

At this point she didn't seem to know what to tell me, so I waited afraid to breathe. I was feeling miserable and just had to ask her, "can you ever forgive me? Do you think you can trust me again?"

Before she could say anything, I pulled her into my arms, she felt so good. We held each other tightly. I ran my hands up and down her back massaging away the tension. I held on to her like I was afraid she would get away. Finally, I pushed her away slightly and looked into those amazing blue eyes looking into mine and I smiled slightly.

When I finally spoke there was a catch in my voice, and with such sincerity I said, "I love you Kitty Russell. You were my first thought when I got my memory back and all during my trip home. Fear of what you would think, was uppermost in my mind. I made a stupid mistake, but you were what mattered most."

"I was so worried that you wouldn't still love me and trust me ever again," I said softly. "As I told you I made a terrible mistake, but I didn't want to lose you, but that may be just what is going to happen."

She cried out, "oh Matt what am I going to do with you?"

"Please Kitty," I began and knew I was almost pleading, "forgive me. I know I don't deserve it but give US another chance."

I knew I wasn't the type who said flowery things and couldn't express all the things women like to hear, but I did know one thing; I loved this passionate loving woman. She was my life and my light. Our life had not been easy, and I had warned her at the beginning, but she didn't give up on me. Little by little the bricks I had put around my heart crumbled, and Kitty Russell had my heart and my soul.

I knew this wasn't the time to try to get her into the bedroom. We just continued to hold onto each other not wanting to let go. Eventually after kissing her hair and kissing her lightly I put my arm around her and said, "let's go home." She leaned her head against my heart and said there was no other place she would want to be. My long journey was over, and I knew just where I wanted to be forever.

As we walked up the back steps of the Long Branch I slipped my arm around her and suggested, "I have that trial to testify at but after it is over I think we should go away together. Where would you like to go?"

"Anywhere but Arizona," she said definitely. I couldn't have agreed more.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

PART TWO KITTY'S POV MATT'S LOVE STORY

_So, Matt has returned to Dodge after being away for more than a month and no communication. This is my version of how his attitude affects Kitty. Since little is known about amnesia it is difficult for her to understand his change in attitude and how it will upset their relationship._

CHAPTER EIGHT: THE HOMECOMING

Something was definitely wrong! I could not sit still! There was something definitely wrong with Matt Dillon. In all the years we had been together, unless he was at death's door, he couldn't wait to get me alone. When he returned from a trip or I did, he was trying to find reasons to get me back in my office or up in my room.

This time he had a smile on his face, but the spark was gone. That electrical feeling that said 'I can't wait to get my hands on you' wasn't there. I knew he told Doc he had amnesia, but I wasn't even sure what exactly that meant. Did he forget everything and everyone? Had his whole personality changed? The whole situation had me very nervous. Now I can't even go to Doc for advice with him lying there injured.

I had been frantic with worry since he was gone so long this time. No one had any idea where he was, what had been happening, if he was hurt, or even alive. As the days dragged by the more ominous it seemed. God forbid he should be in touch with anyone. I alternated between being angry with him and frantically worried. Of course, he turned up over a month later when I was out of town.

When we returned from the Ronigers and Festus came rushing to tell me he was back I hurried down to the jail to welcome him back. Then, when I arrived at the jail I was upset to find it full of people. He looked happy to see me, but something was off. I thought he would start telling people he appreciated their concern, but he had a lot to do so we could find a way to be alone. That didn't happen.

I could remember times he arrived home so dirty and dusty, but it didn't stop him from making his way to our bedroom. As bad as he might look, being in his arms and his lips on mine was worth it; at least temporarily. Seeing him standing there alive could make my heart sing. Now I did not know what to think. It was obvious he had been through an ordeal, so he hadn't been out having a good time.

It was important I get a chance to talk to Doc about what he knew about amnesia. Did it mean he forgot all about me, about us? How could he forget he was Matthew Dillon, one of the best U.S. Marshals ever? It didn't make sense. He has always had a difficult time talking about his harrowing experiences but often they came out in dreams or I should say nightmares. Those were the nights I held him like a mother until he calmed down. It was a Matt Dillon no one else saw.

What I needed to figure out was how to best to handle someone who has had amnesia. Doc was definitely the person to ask. Getting Matt to talk was like pulling teeth and if it was painful it would be even harder to get him to open up about this situation. Now should I wait to see if he got rid of everyone, so we could talk, or should I leave the jail and go see Doc? My answer was that no was in a hurry to leave, people kept coming into the room, and Matt seemed in no hurry to get rid of them. I finally gave in and headed back to the Long Branch to change clothes and then see Doc.

Then to make matters worse when we were settling into an evening welcoming Matt back a brawl broke out and there was no time to talk to Doc alone. The soldiers had just gotten paid and a couple drunk cowboys got into a shouting match with them. Two of my newer girls, Sharon and Nadine had left the cowboys as they became more obnoxious. They were very attractive, and the Captain and Sergeant put their claim on them. That did not go over well.

As usual Matt was on his feet trying to break up the fight. Suddenly a chair was flying through the air and it hit the marshal's head and face. There was blood everywhere. I rushed to get towels as Newly and Festus were wrestling the perpetrators to the ground and hauling them off to the jail.

Several men helped Doc get the big man up to his office. My bartender, Sam, was getting things back in order as I headed for Doc's. How often I had climbed those steps to view a battered and bruised law man being treated. He tried to make me believe it was no big deal. I hadn't seen him in over a month, we were finally in the same town again, and here he was hurt again, and it was no big deal.

Once he was settled in Doc's back room I noticed he was getting drowsy so I sat with him briefly and gently touched his injured face. He was still the handsomest man I had ever seen. I wished I could crawl into the bed with him and slide my arms around him, but now was not the time. So, as he slept, I made my way back to my room in the saloon alone.

Before I could do anything more there was a knock on my door. I couldn't believe it was Matt who was so good at getting up and moving around no matter how hurt he had been. I was relieved it was Sharon and Nadine who were so excited to tell me that the army were having a dance at the fort next week and that they were invited – along with all the girls, me, Matt, and everyone else.

They wondered if the Long Branch would be open and if they could possibly get off. While the Long Branch was usually open on Sundays, they went on to say the soldiers wished the other girls could also attend.

I thought perhaps this was just what we needed a night out together. If all my girls wanted to go I might consider the possibility of closing the Long Branch for the evening of the party. I told them I would consider it and let them know the next morning. I could see the girls were excited and even I pondered how this might be helpful in getting things back to normal. It might be a way for Matt to readjust to being home. It might be just the way to get him talking. We needed some down time together.

I tried to rest but I could not calm down. Finally, about three in the morning I got up and headed over to Doc's to see how Matt was doing. If Doc was surprised to see me he didn't act as if he was. He put his finger to his lips and said softly, "he is asleep."

I went to the door and looked in and he seemed to be sleeping soundly. I walked over to the empty chair by the doctor's desk and sat down. "I couldn't sleep," I explained to my sweet friend so like a father to me.

He patted my hand and told me he wasn't surprised. He went on, "the first time you are with him after he gets back and he is hurt again."

Taking a deep breath I asked him, "It isn't just that Doc, am I confused or overreacting? It seems like Matt is different and not in the way when he has had a difficult journey. I just feel something more happened while he was gone."

I had no ideas about what could have happened to cause this change, and we both knew how reticent the lawman was about sharing himself and his feelings. Here in the middle of the night I knew it was time to find out what Doc knew about amnesia.

He shared what little was known about the brain and brain injuries. No one could tell how someone would react to a severe head injury. There wasn't any literature out there, but maybe someday.

What I had to know was if a person could forget everything and everyone that were important in their life. "Could it mean they wanted to forget?" I had asked with trepidation. Sadly, he didn't have answers except to say once Matt was told who he was he remembered everything very soon afterwards, and that had to be a positive situation.

I couldn't argue with that, but I couldn't tell Doc that ordinarily when we were separated, for a period of time, Matt couldn't wait to get back together. That we could barely keep our hands off each other. His attitude was odd but also concerning that there might be more wrong than has yet come to light.

Doc had helped me as much as he could, but when I went back to my bedroom and looked at the cold bed, I didn't feel any calmer than when I had gone over to the doctor's office. I didn't even undress I just lay down and when I closed my eyes I remembered how I had welcomed him in the past, the passion, the excitement, and so thankful he was home in one piece. I prayed that I was wrong that something had changed, and soon I would be lying in Matt's arms truly welcoming him home.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE: MIXED MESSAGES

Sometime in the early morning hours I fell asleep, but it wasn't a refreshing sleep. When I awoke I was twisted in my sheet and knew that I had thrashed around during the night. My thoughts turned immediately to Matt and what kind of night he had. Reluctantly however I got up and washed and dressed in my yellow cotton dress that I knew he liked because it was cut lower than my evening attire tended to be these days.

I had to laugh to myself because I knew with his great height, he has a great view down the front of my dresses. I wonder if he knows that I enjoy the view when he walks up the stairs in front of me? If he is was aware of the fact that I appreciate his manly attributes as much as he seems to be pleased with what I have had to offer I'm not sure, but we have been together for 18 years.

Sam had a hot cup of coffee ready for me when I went downstairs. Sam was always considerate and a good friend. As I settled at a front table Festus came through the batwing doors. "Howdy Miz Kitty, has ya been up ta see ole Matthew this mornin'?"

I told him I was on my way up after I finished my coffee. He informed me that he had been up to Doc's, but Matt was still sleeping, and Doc said he had a bad night. I was immediately concerned thinking that perhaps getting hit in the head again had created more problems with his previous injuries. Then I realized I didn't know just what all his injuries involved since Doc said they know little about amnesia. Festus' words made me hurry to finish my coffee and be on my way.

Doc was sitting at his desk reading a medical book when I arrived. He had a big smile for me and asked if I had gotten any sleep. I told him not much, but Festus told me Matt had a rough night too. I wasn't surprised when he said Festus talked too much. Those two spent most of their time picking at each other.

Settling into a chair I told Doc I needed to know if the accident last night had brought back any symptoms from Matt's previous incident. The physician told me that he couldn't be certain, but he wouldn't rule it out either

He said to me, "We can possibly learn more about the effects of amnesia by observing Matt's behavior."

"What did Matt say about his condition?" I wanted to know.

Doc shared that the marshal had told him that he didn't know his name, where he lived, and what he did.

"So, his memory came back all at once?" I asked.

When Doc hesitated, it made me very nervous as if he didn't want to tell me something. I waited and finally he confided that the man who hurt him ended up coming to the ranch and told Mike who Matt was and that was how his identity was revealed. How long it took Matt to recover all his memory Doc did not know for sure.

"He hasn't confided anything else about this episode?" I inquired.

Shaking his head Doc told me that was all he knew for sure. Physically he could tell me the Matt had been hit very hard on his face and head. That he was shot and very lucky that he survived. That it was the good care he got that made all the difference. I had to feel good about that. I did wonder if Mike had a wife who helped care for Matt.

I got up and told Doc I wanted to look in on Matt. As I opened the door he seemed to be just waking up. He looked awful with the knot on his head and black eye all swollen and puffy, yet I was so glad to see him alive, if not well. I asked him how he was feeling? He admitted he was stiff and sore. I wished I could do something to make him feel better. I was feeling frustrated and yet I felt guilty as I looked at his brutalized face.

Ever the Marshal he wanted to know what happened to the two men who caused the fight. I told him one was at the fort and the other in jail guarded by Festus. Of course this made him try to get up but he sat down again quickly seemingly dizzy. I grabbed for him and the next thing I knew I was in his arms. As his lips touched mine all I wanted was for it never to stop.

When he pulled away abruptly, I was stunned and upset and he hurried to try to reassure me that it wasn't my fault, and that it was just the pain from his injury. I wasn't sure why there were tears pricking at the back of my eyelids, but to be really honest I felt as if I was being rejected. Then I convinced myself I was being ridiculous and that Matt was just recovering from an ordeal, so I would let him rest and check on him later.

Why didn't I feel better? Maybe it was because the situation was so unusual. After all Matt had been in worse shape and once he was fully awake, he was making suggestions about what we could do whenever Doc was gone from his office. I just wish we knew more about head injuries to know if it would change your personality so drastically.

Doc looked up as I walked back into the office and when he saw my face he was quickly out of his chair his hand on my arm, asking what was wrong. What could I say as I wasn't sure myself. So, I just told him I was concerned about Matt having a relapse. Since he didn't have the answers to my questions I would have to be satisfied with just waiting to see what happened next.

When I got back to the Long Branch and walked through the batwing doors Festus was standing at the bar talking to Sam. I heard him say, "I shore am glad ole Matthew is actin' so much like his ole self."

He was just finishing his beer when I walked up to him and asked, "what do you mean like his old self."

"Why Miz Kitty he was ah arguin' with Doc when ah got there. Ah figured he was aimin' to get up go about his workin," he explained.

Now I was really confused why would he have had such a change in so short a time. I just left him, and he was having trouble standing. At the point I wasn't going to get into it with the Deputy. I would just wait and see how Matt was when I saw him later that day. After all he would scarcely be kissing Festus.

What I didn't realize was that it wouldn't be until late the next day when I saw the man I loved and worried over. Doc came to me a few hours later and asked me to go with him to the MacGregors as Elizabeth was ready to have her fifth child and she had quite a difficult time with number four. I knew they were hoping for a girl this time after four boys. I would have preferred staying and playing nursemaid to Matt, but I went with Doc in case there were complications.

John MacGregor who owned the feed and grain store was just as nervous as if it was his first child. Their boys aged 8 to 2 were running all over the place. I sent them out in the yard to play telling them their ma needed some rest. Five hours later another boy, they named Jonathan, and weighing nine pounds came crying into the world. All Elizabeth cared about was that it was over, and he was healthy. It was as the boys were all crowded around their new baby brother that Burke arrived with the news that the MacGregor's business was on fire.

John was so upset at having to leave but I told him Doc had to go to see it any men were injured, and I would stay with the family. They left reluctantly and I didn't really know what I was up against with four excited boys, a new mother and baby. Maybe I needed to rethink wanting a family. All I really knew was when Hank brought John home and came to get me hours later, I was exhausted. He told me the MacGregor's business was destroyed, and all I wanted was hot bath and bed.

Hank, who owned the stable, told me all the horses were safe and the fire was out. He said Delmonico's was open with food and coffee but all I was wanted to lie down somewhere after I'd checked on Matt. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when Hank mentioned that the Marshal had been out fighting the fire. So much for recuperation. As we entered Dodge the men looked so tired and were covered in soot and dirt. He discussed the destruction, but said the men were already planning to help rebuild.

When we got back to Main Street I looked in Delmonico's but the big man was not there. I went over to the Long Branch and Sam said he thought the marshal was at the jail. I could tell he was exhausted but when I asked if there was a chance of getting any hot water he informed me he had it heating as we were speaking. What would I do without this man?

I hurried down to the jail and saw a six-foot seven-inch giant trying, in vain, to get rid of the soot, dirt, and awful smell off himself and his clothes using a small bowl of water. He seemed surprised to see me and even more surprised when I took his hand, led him out the back door and down to the back steps to my bedroom. I had explained along the way Sam had hot water ready in the tub, and that it was all his after I'd had a quick bath. He could use that time to take his filthy clothes off and I could think about how best to clean them. As I walked past him naked, he was too tired to even get friendly.

By the time he had gotten cleaned up and put a towel around his middle I think I had sort of drifted off in bed. He was standing, looking down at me, then he sat and brushed mt hair away from my face with his big gentle hand. We smiled at each other and I think I held my arms out to him. In my half- awake, half-asleep state I wasn't sure exactly what was happening. I do remember thinking how good it felt to have his body close to mine. The next thing I knew it was daylight and we were lying in each other's arms.

I looked down at that handsome face and my heart swelled with love and my body was responding to his closeness. I remember kissing his jaw and he opened those incredible blue eyes. It was late morning and the sun was high in the sky. We realized that we must have been very tired.

He stroked my hair and my face then gently kissed my nose. It hadn't been an easy couple days since he got back home, and his eye had taken on an even uglier shade. Matt still didn't seem quite right and I was concerned he wasn't completely healed. He was so good at getting back in the saddle, too soon.

Asking him if he was feeling better Matt told me he was still sore. Gently I began to kiss him hoping to get his mind off this latest incident. It felt so good when he wrapped his arms around me. I was so happy to be with my Cowboy in a place that had made both of us so happy. As his hands moved over my body I began to relax. All seemed to be right in our world.

That's when it happened. Matt suddenly started to groan. Immediately I was breathless as I tried to find out what was, so when he said he felt dizzy my worst fears were realized. His injuries were much worse than anyone thought. Quickly I slipped out of the bed and began throwing on clothes. He lay there watching me at first, and then when he realized I was going for Doc, he wasn't too happy. This time I did not listen to him no matter what it looked like. My only concern was for his health.

I could barely catch my breath as I got to Doc's door. I opened it quickly and gasped out that Matt needed him. He rushed toward me as I leaned weakly against the door. He asked what was wrong, but to save us all from embarrassment, I decided not to go into details of just what we were doing when Matt felt ill. I just explained that he started groaning all of a sudden and clutching his head. Luckily Doc asked no further questions he just grabbed his bag and followed me back to the Long Branch.

Matt was sitting in a chair when we got back. He was wearing an old, unbuttoned union suit which he must have found somewhere, since his own clothes were still to be washed. Doc looked at him carefully but did not ask him any questions. He began to run his hands over the marshal's head, and I saw Matt wince. I was suddenly afraid that there was some permanent damage from his injuries and if so I'd never forgive myself if our 'activities' had made things worse. When Doc took him back to the jail I couldn't exactly object, but I wondered if he was trying to make a point that any intimate activity should be curtailed for now.

Once they left I lay back on the bed going over the evening. He had seemed happy to see me, yet something had been a little unusual. Usually when Matt had been gone for a long time, he couldn't wait to get me into the bedroom, but last night I felt that he was less enthusiastic. Of course, he could have been acting differently because of his injuries and tiredness from the fire. He was never good at taking the time to recover. Now I realized I did need to talk to Doc, but I would have to be very delicate as I explained my concerns about Matt's reaction to our personal relationship.

I had been planning on going down to the jail before I went to dinner. I was saying goodbye to Sam when Doc and Festus came through the batwing doors and invited me to dinner. I hesitated and asked how Matt was doing. They said the last time they had checked on him he was sleeping and Newly was in the office with him. The three of us headed to the restaurant and it was a nice surprise when Matt joined us looking far more rested than when I last saw him. Maybe Doc had given him the right prescription after all.

This was the perfect opportunity to talk about the dance and tell the men they were invited. I was heartened when Matt immediately asked me to go with him as he usually avoids them and usually has to be hogtied to get him there. I wasn't as pleased when Doc commented if he was going to the dance, he better spend the rest of the week not exerting himself so much if he didn't want another relapse. At least Matt reluctantly agreed. I was not happy but what could I say I would prefer he recuperate in my bed and I could give him loving care. Perhaps it was better this way and by Saturday he would be in much better shape.


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN: REVELATIONS

_**Thanks so much for the reviews and for sticking with this Fan Fiction. I would like to say that when you are reading Kitty's POV you have to realize where she came from and the kind of life she had to live. It wasn't a situation that fostered feelings of high self-esteem. That she would be in a position to be a close friend of the town doctor and the United States Marshal wasn't something she anticipated. At the back of her mind there has always been the fear it was too good to be true.**_

The week seemed to drag on toward Saturday but finally it arrived. I dressed carefully picking a dress he had not seen before. It was a golden-brown watered silk edged in a cream-colored chiffon at the bodice and hem, and I hoped later that night, my handsome cowboy would help me remove it. My hair was in ringlets and my make-up looked just right. I was just fastening a topaz necklace at my throat and reaching for my earrings when Sam called the marshal was waiting.

I was happy to see he had on a new shirt and his courting jacket. There was also the surrey some newspaper men had left here years ago all shined up for our ride to the fort. He told me he had to get firm with Festus who thought he and the girl he was escorting should ride with us. Doc was going to drive the surrey and we would be in the back seat. It made me really happy that he wanted to be alone with me in the back.

A number of the girls had gotten together and were taking a wagon out to the dance. The men out there would be happy to have more partners. Sharon and Nadine looked very pretty in gowns I had fixed for them and they were so excited to see their soldiers again. Hopefully we would all have our dreams fulfilled this evening. As I leaned against Matt, his arm firmly around me, I closed my eyes and imagined us finally skin to skin at the end of the evening.

The dining hall at the fort was ablaze with lights and ladies who lived on the post had decorated very nicely. I was glad to see Sam and Rudy were there with their fiddle and guitar playing with the Army band. Doc would be calling a few of the square dances. I asked Matt how he was feeling since Doc made sure he rested most of the week. He told me he felt much better. Thankfully there had been no more emergencies and rebuilding of the damaged buildings had begun.

I felt so special walking in on the arm of the handsome marshal. Wherever we went women looked him over carefully. He always claimed he didn't notice but I don't know how he could have been so oblivious. He'd also been so embarrassed over the years whenever this cropped up, because he genuinely didn't think he was that good looking. I did appreciate that he stayed by my side most of the time, but I also teased him that he wanted me there for protection in case any other woman expected him to dance! Unfortunately, he doesn't love to dance but I did coax him out on the floor several times.

My girls seemed to be having a good time and the soldiers seemed appreciative that there were a number of young ladies to choose from and no one lacked for dance partners. The Captain and Sergeant were monopolizing Sharon and Nadine and they both looked so radiant. I was afraid I would soon be losing two of my most popular girls, but I was happy for them.

It seemed like a perfect night until after a particularly exhausting square dance with Festus. I was hot and needed some air and needed to freshen up. It was as I was coming back into the hall that my evening turned into a nightmare.

A group of soldiers were gathered at the entrance to the hall and I could hear their conversation as they looked at Matt. One of them mentioned that he had served in Arizona and knew Mike Yarder. That made me stop and listen and later I wished I had never given in to my curiosity. He said, "did you hear the marshal was hurt badly when he was in Arizona? He was nursed by Mike Yarder and I have seen that lady. I wouldn't mind having spent weeks with her. She is quite a good-looking woman."

I was stunned, Mike Yarder was a woman. Why hadn't Matt mentioned that? What had happened while he supposedly had amnesia? I don't know how I made it back to the table. Matt was over talking to the commandant. Doc was sitting there and after one look at my face he came and put his arm around me. He wanted to know what had happened. I managed not to cry and choked out, "please take me home Doc."

Somehow, we managed to get away without Matt talking to me. We did notice that he was coming out of the door calling my name as we drove out of the fort. On the way home I told the wise doctor what I had overheard and asked him why Matt would lie? When, Doc hesitated I began to suspect he already knew more than he had told me. Did he also know the truth about Mike? He didn't seem too surprised when I told him. Were they all aware of what happened and laughing at me? All I wanted was to find solitude in my rooms.

Finally, Doc spoke, "why don't you give Matt a chance to explain."

That was the last straw I was furious as I exploded, "don't you dare try to defend him Doc!

When I looked back on that night, I felt that I had never been more miserable. So many thoughts ran through my mind. I tried to find a logical reason Matt wouldn't have mentioned that he was nursed by a woman. Did he think I would be jealous when all I cared about was that someone had saved him? If he truly had amnesia had he become interested in this woman; maybe even fallen in love?

My life seemed to be falling apart in front of my eyes. I always felt that Matt Dillon would never lie to me or anyone else. So often over the years men had betrayed me, hurt me, physically and emotionally. I never thought I would be in a relationship with anyone like the United States Marshal of Dodge City, Kansas. Here was a man admired by so many, an upright, honest man or so I always thought. Now, I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach.

I took off my clothes and just didn't even have the energy to hang up all my clothes, so I dropped them in a chair. Then I laid on my bed, but I was sure that sleeping was going to be difficult as my mind was spinning around in confusion. I must have started to doze because the next thing I heard was Matt banging on the door. One thing I knew was that I was not ready to see him at that time and I had moved a dresser in front of the door.

Obviously, I underestimated him because he was determined to get in the room. I could hear him say he would kick his way into the room if he had to. I was sure he would but I was not doing a thing to help him. Inch by inch he pushed the dresser away and the first thing he saw was me in the doorway with my hands on my hips. He wanted to talk to me, to explain. I was definitely not ready for that and I turned my back on him.

I was waiting for him to try to change my mind because I knew he wouldn't be here acting apologetic if Doc hadn't been talking to him. I tried to make him understand I was in no mood to talk to him at that point. I probably wouldn't be ready for a while especially since when he touched my shoulder I had to try not to shudder. From the day I first saw Matthew Dillon, I was attracted to him and never thought that his touch would leave me feeling cold.

All I wanted was for him to go away to let me have some time to think. If he was there my emotions would be running wild since I had such conflicting feelings about what might have happened with him and that woman. I needed alone time to sort it out in my own mind. I was sure I would get little sleep, so I told him to go away. If he really cared for me, he would give me time to adjust to this shocking information.

Suddenly everything seemed to hit me at once and I started to cry. I could hear Matt moving nervously behind me. He hated women crying. Usually he gave into anything to stop me from crying, which I did rarely. He cleared his throat a couple times and finally told me he would see me later.

Obviously, our relationship wasn't that important to him that he would not at least make the effort to calm me down. I knew I was acting irrationally but at that time that is exactly how I felt. I turned to him and spoke very loudly and aggressively, "when you finally figure out how to tell the truth and you know how you feel don't bother me, Matthew Dillon. It is evident that you couldn't trust me enough to tell the truth!

I hated myself because one part of me wanted him to stay to plead with me to understand. The other side of me wanted to become angry and let him know how crushed I had felt finding out that he was taken care of by an attractive woman while he was away, something that he had deliberately kept from me. In all the time we were in a relationship I had never cheated on him although there were many chances. Could I really understand what he was thinking and realize he really had no idea what he was doing to us? It was going to take some time.


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN: Second Chances

_THANKS everyone for all the great reviews. I truly appreciate them. To the reviewer who was confused about when Kitty knew about Matt's amnesia in the first chapter of Kitty's POV the second paragraph she says she knows Matt, told Doc he had amnesia. I assumed that the reader, perhaps mistakenly, would understand Doc told her. _

The sound of knocking seemed to be coming from a long way off. I lifted my head and I thought it would explode. It was pounding, I could barely see out of my eyes, and had no idea what time I fell asleep. I remember calling out weakly it was open and prayed it was not Matt. I had never before in my life been so glad to see Doc. His first words were, "you look awful honey."

He asked what time I got to sleep. Then he went to the water closet and came back with a cold cloth. Placing it over my eyes he guessed things did not go so well with Matt. He seemed upset when I let him know he guessed right. The problem was could he be upset because things were unsettled or because I looked so bad? The doctor who could be cranky told me I was taking the day off and resting. I didn't agree until I went to the looking glass and my face looked ravaged and my hair was a mess of snarls. Then I started to cry again.

Doc came over and took me in his arms and let me cry on his shoulder. He patted my back and tried to calm me down. "I think I have lost him," I said between sobs. The physician told me not to give up. I wanted to believe he was right.

Unfortunately, the day did not get better. Sam brought me hot water and the bath helped but it took forever to look halfway presentable. Then my two most popular girls came to see me and tell me they would be leaving soon. Their soldiers, Captain Scott and Sgt. Smith, were being transferred to the Presidio in San Francisco and wanted to take the girls there as their wives. I was very disappointed but happy for Nadine and Sharon. By this time, I was exhausted again and decided to just go lie down and rest my eyes.

It was late afternoon when I awoke, and Doc was standing by my bed. When he checked my face he went to the water closet and came back with another cold cloth which he again placed across my face. He actually said, "you still look like hell."

That didn't even make me smile. I tried to get up and he pushed me back down. He told me calling me, 'young lady' that if I wasn't better I was taking the next day off too. I knew he was right my emotions were too close to the surface and if I saw Matt, I wasn't sure how I would react.

I dozed on and off all day and Doc came back again in the late evening. He said I did look better, but I needed a good meal. Then he left a sleeping draught for a good night's sleep. Sam brought up chicken, mashed potatoes, speckledy gravy, and biscuits and told me the good doctor told him to make sure I ate everything. I didn't think I had any appetite, but it smelled so good I ate everything. Feeling much better I thought I could go downstairs for a little while. Then when I sat down to fix my hair and saw my face I decided staying right there was the best plan.

Doc's draught made all the difference and when I awoke the next day my face looked almost normal and the evidence of crying was all gone. It took over an hour to get my hair in order and then I decided not to wear all my petticoats and crinolines and put on my green cotton dress with the white roses. Then I went downstairs and chatted with Sam who had coffee all ready. After he caught me up on the news, I needed to get some office work done.

The first hour went fine and I caught up on some paperwork. Nadine and Sharon came in all excited and wanted to know if they could have their reception here at the Long Branch. Of course, I said yes but told them I would sure miss them. I didn't tell them as saloon girls they were lucky to find such nice men. As they were leaving the Marshal walked in the door.

I was so startled I didn't know what to say, but he spoke up before I did telling me Sam told him I was feeling better and was in the office. He went on to inform me we needed to talk. He was all business and that irritated me for some reason. After just looking at hm for a moment I said he hadn't seemed so anxious to talk before.

He said, "Kitty I wasn't sure what to say or how start the conversation."

"You always know what to say or should I say what to do when you want something else," I accused.

It took a minute or so but he soon realized that perhaps he hadn't started our little talk in the right way. I imagine he had spent the last couple days trying to figure out how to approach me and as a man who doesn't talk easily about emotions he wanted to make this as easy as possible.

Maybe I should have been more considerate, but I was tired of half explanations and excuses. "You know you were gone so long you might have stopped and sent a telegram letting us know you were alright."

He dropped his head and wouldn't look at me and mumbled he didn't know how to explain. I told him it wasn't good enough. Didn't he think a telegram saying I'm alive and on my way home would have alleviated all the worrying I was doing?

Of course, he said nothing, and it made me madder. I got up out of my chair and walked past him as I asked if he had such trouble talking to Mike?"

He told me that was a different situation and I told him, "I just bet it was." He followed me to the stairway and halfway up I turned and told him, "don't follow me we have nothing to discuss Marshal!"

He lost his cool and yelled, "you are the most STUBBORN WOMAN!"

"Maybe you should go back to Arizona then!" I regretted those words the minute they flew out of my mouth. There was dead silence and I heard the batwing doors slam against the door frame. Tears were choking my throat as the love of my life walked away. When I didn't see him for a week, I was so afraid maybe I had driven him back into the arms of another woman.

I was in a terrible mood although I tried to pretend everything was alright. I had not seen Festus and Newly only Doc had stopped in, but he wasn't staying long. No one was talking about the lawman, so I didn't know if he was in town or not. Not surprisingly it was our good doctor who turned the tide. He came to my room for a confrontation. He told me he could tell I wasn't eating or sleeping well. Then he said the words that defined my next move. He said, "isn't it better to know how Matt feels than not to know?"

It was hard to admit he was right, but I couldn't go on eating my heart out. I told him I wasn't sure Matt was in town or would talk to me now. He assured me he was in Dodge. He added that Festus and Newly were trying to avoid him because he was so upset no one wanted to be around him. "He looks worse than you do."

"What if he doesn't want to see me?" I asked. Doc reassured me he would, that Matt was in much pain as I was. He said to let him take care of it. I agreed reluctantly but we needed to do it away from everyone else. He suggested his office. He would talk to Matt and then he had to go to the Ronigers the new baby was sick. We agreed I would go up there when I heard him leaving town.

I went upstairs and changed my clothes to my green silk which he had admired a number of times. I need all the weapons I could use. I left my hair down for a change. An hour later I heard Sam call to me that Doc was leaving town. I knew then he was as worried as everyone else about my relationship with Matt. Nervously I made my way to the physician's office and had to sit down before my shaking knees gave in and I fell. A few minutes later I heard his heavy tread coming up step by ominous step.

The door opened but all he did was clear his throat at first. I guess he expected me to talk first. I turned to face him and pulled out the angel's wings he had given me months before, and asked if he even had his? He slowly pulled them out of his pocket.

"They were in my saddlebags and I slept with them each night," he confessed.

It made me feel happy, but I couldn't give in and throw myself into his arms. We needed to have an open honest discussion about this situation. If the air was not cleared it would come back to haunt us. That is what I told him too. We had been through other situations but nothing like this. This could turn out to be the ultimate betrayal and nothing would ever be the same.

I could tell by the look on his face he was not comfortable with the circumstances, but we could only go forward not back. It was important to share our doubts and fears. Inside my stomach was doing flips as I asked him if he had fallen in love with Mike. He looked surprised I would go to that subject right away.

He fiddled with his hat and finally sat down across from me. He put his ankle on his knee and leaned forward. He was thinking about what to say. Finally, he told me he was very grateful to her, there was also physical need, he had affection for her, but he was not in love with her.

That made me feel grateful, yet I needed to know if he explained to her about being in another relationship after regaining his memory?

He explained that she hadn't given him a chance she told him to just get out when he said he had to go back to Dodge. He went on to say we had both had bad relationships in our past that seemed like love that didn't last. That our relationship had been mainly lust in the beginning, but it grew deeper and deeper over the years.

Matt made me admit that we had broken down walls for each other that no one else wanted to do or didn't want to do the work it would take to allow us to be vulnerable. I knew that was true I had told him almost everything about my life and he had done the same. We had been two people who had little trust in anyone when we met

I needed to ask him why he didn't just tell me the truth when he first came home? He told me he had worried all the way home that he had betrayed me. He was afraid if he didn't have answers for me, I would not believe his story. So instead he blundered his way through everything and did exactly what he hoped to avoid.

Thoughts were whirling through my head and I wasn't sure what he could say that would make a difference at this time. Then Matt asked if he could tell me his story and that might help me to understand why he was confused. I remembered Doc telling it me it was better to know what happened than to never know. At least that way I could make an intelligent decision about our relationship.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE: CONFESSIONS OF THE SOUL

_This is the end of our story. I appreciate ALL the reviews. I have tried very hard to put myself in Kitty and Matt's feelings and emotions. It has taken time, a lot of help, and my thanks to UD and Scott for your input and participation. Thanks to Sharon and Nadine for being my saloon girls. Many thanks to Andrea for the excellent editing and additions. Few of us have been in perfect relationships and had doubts and disappointments. My parents came the closest of people I knew who were true soulmates. Our life experiences color how we react in difficult situations. I hope in some way I was able to add understanding to an episode in Matt and Kitty's lives that didn't have true resolution. Look for POV's of KITTY'S Love Affair in the future._

What else could I do this was a chance to get back what mattered to me more than anything in my life my relationship with Matt Dillon. I told him to explain. I was glad he didn't try to touch me but just looked in my eyes and began to tell me about his long arduous journey.

It took him into Arizona territory, and it was there the man he was trailing shot him and then beat him. When he awakened, he was in a strange house with a woman. She had removed the bullet and treated his wounds. When she asked for his name and where he was from, he had that awful feeling of not having an answer. He said he had thought and thought but there was nothing, no memory. She decided to call him Dan.

She was a widow and did most of the work herself on her ranch. When he was better he started to help out and they fell into a routine. After all he had no past and no future, but he was just in a holding pattern with the hope of his memory returning. Finally, after several weeks she asked what his plans were, and he had none.

He explained by this time he began to feel more comfortable and since he really couldn't plan ahead he told her he would stay there. That was the night they slept together. Then the next day the man he had been following showed up at the ranch. Matt told me he didn't recognize him. It was revealed a neighbor man who wanted her property had sent the outlaw to kill her. He had decided not to do so. Before he rode away he confessed he was the man who shot me and then gave her my real identity.

Once she revealed that information my memory came back and I knew I had to return to Dodge. I told her 20 years of my life was here. I told her I was going to see the man who wanted her dead, and then I would come back to talk to her. Then she just threw me out. I couldn't just ride away I had to make sure she would be safe. After I took care of that I headed back to Dodge.

Every mile closer he came to home he wondered how he would make me understand what had happened. Then he told me how he stopped at Boot Hill to think but knew how couldn't stay there forever. Yet he felt he had cheated on me. He also admitted maybe it was stupid to feel that way. He confessed he had talked to Doc about it after talking in his sleep, and had been advised to tell me. Stupidly, he still was afraid of how I would react and if I would believe he really had amnesia.

His story sounded reasonable and if he bared his soul he must really be worried about our relationship. I didn't think I should confirm his fears that I did wonder if he really had amnesia. What was more important that I be honest with him and let the marshal understand how this situation made me feel. I was not sure where to begin when he asked me if I had any questions.

I told him maybe later, but I needed to tell him why I was so upset. He seemed relieved when I told him how I had found out about Mike Yarder. What he needed to know, and I tried to make him understand was that I felt crushed and betrayed. Then I was afraid that he hadn't said anything because he had fallen in love with this woman.

Matt leaned forward and told me he didn't even know who he was how could he know about making future plans when he wasn't even sure what was in his past. He said he knew he could do physical work but everything else was a blank. How could he make any plans when he didn't know where to go, and it was safe at Mike's.

That was another situation I wanted him to understand. I was jealous about the homelife he had with Mike and that we had never been able to have. I needed to know if he thought about having a family with her. Was I just a convenience because I lived here in Dodge? Did he really realized I had put aside so many dreams for a future with us so many times?

Old resentments had come creeping into my thoughts, I admitted. "You had with her what I had hoped for us and you seemed to like it. I was so afraid that even if you were here with me that your thoughts were back in Arizona with her. I had never given as much of myself as much as I had given to you. Dan didn't seem like the Matthew Dillon I knew and loved."

He opened his mouth to speak but I held up my hand. I said, "Matt when I heard that soldier talk about Mike, how he wished he could be nursed by her, and how attractive she was I was shattered to little pieces. I thought nothing could put me back together again."

I went on, "all I could think was that you were trying to find a way to tell me you were going back to her or bringing her here? What if she decides to come here? What then?"

The big man was quiet for quite a while and that frightened me. Finally, he spoke softly saying, "I would have to tell her I am unavailable." He looked at me with hope in his eyes."

No matter what he said I had to make sure he wasn't harboring feelings he didn't realize he felt for this woman. "So," I asked, "do you have any feeling that you needed to see Mike again?

He said, "Kitty we didn't fall in love immediately. Why would I fall in love with another woman so quickly?"

"But you had amnesia, you didn't know anything about yourself," I told him.

Then he explained that he knew about feelings. "I don't know if such basic feelings stay the same under such circumstances. I just know how I felt."

I was trying so hard to put myself in his place. How would I feel if I woke up and couldn't remember my name, where I was from, any of my past? I was sure I would panic. What is if a kind considerate man offered to help me. I know being so unsure would make me feel vulnerable. In such a situation I'm sure I would feel grateful. What if I never recovered my memory. It would be frightening.

Despite all that I did wish he could have trusted me enough to tell me and I didn't have to hear it from someone else. I know I have a temper and I'm sure that figured into Matt's thinking. I know he didn't want to deal with a big dramatic scene. This would take some thinking and talking.

At this point I wasn't sure what to tell him. He looked so miserable and asked me, "can you ever forgive me? Do you think you can trust me? We have to have trust to have a relationship."

Suddenly I wondered if he was saying this to tell me if I couldn't trust him this left him free to go back and see what happened with Mike. That is what I said to him feeling as if I might pass out.

He put his hands on my arms and shook me slightly. "Kitty,". he said sternly, "We have been through so much, and we have survived so much. Do you want to throw that away?"

I told him I wanted to trust him, and I hated how my feelings of insecurity have made me feel. I thought I was so sure of our relationship. There were tears in my eyes as I asked him what he wanted for us?

Matt pulled me to him and held me tightly. He ran his hands up and down my back. He held onto each other so tightly. Finally, he pushed my away slightly and his beautiful blue eyes looked into mine and he smiled .

When he spoke there was a catch in his voice. He explained, "I love you Kitty Russell You were my first thought when I got my memory back and all during my trip home. What you would think was uppermost in my mind. I made a stupid mistake, but you were what mattered most."

"I was so worried if you would still love me and trust me ever again," he whispered. "As I told you I thought I had made what I was afraid was a terrible mistake, but I didn't want to lose you. That is what I felt might happen."

He touched my heart the way only he could do so well. I cried out, "oh Matt what am I going to do with you?"

"Please Kitty," he was almost pleading, "forgive me. I know I don't deserve it but give US a chance."

This hardly seemed like the reticent men I knew so well. The man who had trouble expressing the emotions that were so deep inside him was opening his soul. I love that face, this man. When the choice came to walking away or staying in the arms that had always made me feel so safe staying was worth everything. Loving him made my soul want to sing. Losing him made me feel dead and alone inside.

At this point he didn't try to get me into the bedroom we just held onto each other not wanting to let go. Eventually after kissing my hair and kissing me lightly he put his arm around me and said, "let's go home." Those are all the words I needed to hear.

There would need be no more explanations for now. It was time to begin the journey back to our relationship, our love, understanding. He held out his hand as he turned of Doc's lights and led me to the place where, at least for a while, there would be no need for words.

FIN


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